October 5th

It's my daddy's birthday

51 years old, but only 38 years of life.

17 of his birthdays I celebrated with him.

(too few in my opinion)

Since we said "good-bye," 13 birthdays have come and gone.

Thirteen birthdays that I have not been able to celebrate with him.

There are no more birthday cakes, no gifts to be bought, no birthday phone calls to be made,
no parties to throw, no birthday hugs to give ...
... only overwhelming sadness and hard moments of missing him on days like this.

Don't take me wrong, I don't wish him back to this ugly world.

I know his joyful celebration is far beyond my imagination.

But in my human flesh, the grief is still so real and painful.

The physical absence of him in my life is so difficult to bear.

This continued grief and absence makes October 5th a tough day.

"Happiest of birthdays to my sweet Daddy.  

I'm sure your heavenly celebration is "out-of-this-world."

missing him today and every day

2011 Father's Day was more difficult than usual,
for more than one reason,

but I survived -- and this week is a new week with new days.My father has been gone 13 years,

but rarely a day goes by that I do not think of him and miss him.
He was an amazing man and an awesome father.
I do not remember him ever acting out of character.
I never heard him speak ill of anyone.
He spoke with firmness and authority, but never yelled at me.
As a child, and especially a teenager,
I didn't always appreciate his decisions and judgments,
but now I see it was all for my own good
and there was no harm done.
He truly is a man of great honor,
who earned my highest admiration.
He has given me a great example to follow ... as He followed Christ.
So, while Father's Day has past, I still want to recognize my dad.
I love and miss him dearly.

13 years in Heaven

Today my Daddy has been gone for 13 years.
Last night, I spent some time recalling the events
that took place on May 9, 1998 - such a sad, sad day.
Time eases the pain; but doesn't heal completely.
At times, it feels as if he has been gone forever,
but the tears burn in my eyes as if it were yesterday.
My soul longs for Heaven - That will be a glad reunion day.

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal,
love leaves a memory no one can steal.
~from a headstone in Ireland

Daddy in Christmas

Anyone who has lost a close loved one knows that the holidays are tough. When all the family gets together, there's always a reminder of someone missing around the table. And although, we've spent many years without Daddy, this year was no exception. I had my 'moments' of missing him.

Side note before the story: My dad loved nature and animals. And he had studied up on hawks and would teach us 'lessons' about them -- the different kinds, their hunting abilities, etc. He loved to 'spot' them on the hunt and determine what kind it was. To this day, when we see a hawk it reminds us of Daddy.

And this Christmas I had two reminders. Christmas Eve has always been the day that my immediate family celebrated Christmas ... so my thoughts were on Daddy. As a child we opened our gifts Christmas Eve morning because we are at my Granny's Christmas morning. This Christmas Eve I was driving to mom's and I saw a hawk perched on a power line waiting on lunch. Then later that day, Chris and I were headed to another dinner and atop an old dead tree, I spotted another hawk. I mentioned to Chris that it was the second hawk I had seen on Christmas Eve.

To most it would have just been a typical hawk spotting ...
But to me it wasn't coincidence, typical, or random.
To me it was ... Daddy in my Christmas this year

birthday party in Heaven

I'm not sure birthdays are celebrated in Heaven.
But, yesterday was my Dad's 50th birthday
and I like to think that there was a party in Heaven.
With all our loved ones already there.

When I stand beside His grave and remember
the horrible day we laid Him to rest there,
I smile remembering that He is not there, but in Heaven.

While I place a "Happy Birthday" balloon on His grave
with the new flower from his sister,
I know that no 'gift' could compare to Heaven.

As I think of the 'what if's' and 'might have been's,'
I know God's plan is perfect and this is just what He planned.

While I am sad and missing Daddy here.
He is happy, rejoicing, and free of pain.
And I do not 'wish him back.'

Although, days like this are tough and emotional,
I can face them with hope and know
that with each passing day
Heaven is closer for me.

daddy's girl

once a daddy's girlalways a daddy's girl

who Jesus is to me

Friday was "Share Your Testimony"
on "Show Us Your Life" @ Kelly's Korner:

I was born to Christian parents.
I learned about Jesus at an early age.
In 1989, my Dad was the pastor of a small church.
One Sunday in January,
after hearing my Dad preach,
I was lying in bed that night
and his message(s) that day weighed heavy on my heart.
It so stirred me that I went to my parents' room,
got them out of bed,
and we knelt in our living room and God saved me.
The peace and joy I felt, even as a small child, is unexplainable.
In my teenage years, I had struggles,
but I'm so thankful that God is merciful and compassionate.
And even when I've failed Him ... He remains faithful.
This is one of my many favorite Bible verses:

Micah 7:18 & 19, "Who is a God like unto thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the transgression of the remnant of his heritage? he retaineth not his anger for ever, because he delighteth in mercy. He will turn again, he will have compassion upon us; he will subdue our iniquities; and thou wilt cast all their sins into the depths of the sea."

He truly means more to me now than He ever has.
As I look back over my life, I see the hand of God at work.
And even in tough times of trials,
God was only using those trials to help me to rely on Him.
Now, I realize my only true need is for Him.
I cannot make it without God ... He is everything to me.

always brings a smile

Looking at this picture never fails to bring a smile.

I can recall this day clearly.
In the midst of my Dad's battle with cancer,
my mom, brother, and I had went to church
leaving Dad at home cause he wasn't feeling up to going.
Of course, we were saddened that he wasn't feeling well.
At lunch after church, he sensed that we were blue,
so he had all of us close our eyes
and upon opening our eyes this is what we saw.
He had ruffled up his freshly-washed-still-damp hair.
And of course, it made us laugh and lightened our spirits.

I was blessed with a great daddy.
He was an amazing father.
This past weekend I placed flowers on his grave.
And had a 'missing-him-moment' ...
but, overall, I dealt with the holiday, surprisingly well.

two anniversaries

today would have been

my Mom and Dad's
30th wedding anniversary.
and it is my cousin, A and wife, C's anniversary!
happy anniversary, you two!
may God bless you with many, many more beautiful years.

an explanation

for the irregular blogging.

my emotions have been all over the place.
I am unsure of how much or how little to share.
and I've been busy. possibly trying to distract myself.
many things are happening in my life.
and, the month of May is a roller coaster ride of emotions for me.

as you know, Chris and I celebrate our anniversary on the 6th.
and it was a big one this year --- 10 years!
which was exciting and fun to celebrate.

then three days later, on Sunday, May 9th,
it was the special day to celebrate the blessing
of a wonderful mother and mother-in-law.

but on that same day, May 9th, the year 1998,
there were not-so-pleasant memories to recall
of losing my dear father that I only knew 16 years.
I feel so robbed of so much.
he wasn't able to share in my graduation.
or walk me down the aisle on my wedding day.
and I feel as if I need him more now than ever.
then I remind myself ... others lost their dad even younger than I,
including my mom, who lost her father at 5 years old or so.
and some people never even know their dad.
so, I resolve to trust that God knows what's best!
even if it means pain.

but visiting this spot doesn't get easier.tears always flow. my heart aches.

I only have the painful memory of saying "goodbye" here.
however, I'll choose the more pleasant memories.
he was definitely a one-of-a-kind man.gentle. wise beyond his years.
a heart of gold. peacemaker.
influential role model. prayer warrior.
lover of God and his family.I miss him.
I look forward to Heaven.